Why...

Why do moths fly like they're broken?

Candy Land Massacre

Eavesdropping on Eli with his Candy Land game and police helicopter: 

Stop, this is the police!! YOU are arrested. Now come in here... 

But look! They're shutting down Candy Land for 1 week, not thirteen weeks. Because. You know WHY they will shut us down? Because. People will have too much CAAAANNDYYYY. AGHHH! 

(Barrage of gunfire follows.)

A Distinctive Palate

The only meat I like is the gray meat Nana made.

Enemies for Life

After picking Eli up from spending the night at Nana and Grandpa's...
Mommy, Grandpa is my favorite enemy. 

Underwear Discovery

Mommy, superheroes just wear their underwear over their costumes, did you know that???

I Don't Listen

Me: Eli, you forgot to scrape your cereal out of the bowl into the garbage.
Eli: No, I didn't forget. I just didn't do it. I don't listen.

Mauled?

Daddy: Eli, stop crawling on me. I don't wanna get mauled.
Eli: You already are bald!

Daddy: ... ... I said MAULED not BALD!

Disguise

"I'm not just a bank robber. I'm your son," he said with a red bandana over face.